I cannot understand the need to make gummy candies into animals. Liquorice is not messed about with – it’s extruded and it looks like what it is: a tube. Jelly babies aren’t made to look like babies; they’re little egg-shaped blobs. Why the need to make gummies into creatures?

I realised why I had this revulsion this morning. I love a certain brand of gummies from Australia. They are ginger flavoured. I take them to work not only because I like them, but because I don’t have to be afraid of them disappearing off my desk. Ginger, for some reason, is a flavour that most people don’t care for. I can’t, for the life of me, understand it; but it works for me. The problem that I have is that I can’t let my hands gets sticky at work, so I stick a toothpick into them to pick them up. You can see where this is leading, right?

This morning I looked at one of the little fellows and I was horrified. No matter where I stuck the pick, it looked as if I had killed a wee teddy. I tried the tum. Well, these particular bears actually have a teeny-tiny belly button. Ye Gawds! It looked awful! Then I tried the crotch. Well, I can’t begin to tell you the horror. I could imagine gummy blood everywhere.

What can’t they just make damn things square, or round? Surely it would be more cost effective. But, no they insist on animals, cute, cuddly animals. Animal crackers are another peeve of mine. How do you think a lion would feel if you handed him an animal cracker? Okay, bad example. What about a gorilla? Don’t you think it would bother them? It bothers me. The idea that it’s okay to eat them because, why? Because they’re animals?!?

If you want to bring up gingerbread men as example of an anthropomorphic sweet; well, how cannibalistic is that? True, there have been moments in my life when I’ve pretended that a gingerbread man is a particular someone I don’t care for, as I chomp off his head. So, I’m not clean on this issue. But, I can’t help but wonder how if affects our children. Do they think that we eat our young? Or are they just waiting for the moment when they can even the score for their rotten childhoods? It doesn’t bear thinking about

*If you go out in the woods today
You’re sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
You’d better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

Picnic time for teddy bears,
The little teddy bears are having a lovely time today.
Watch them, catch them unawares,
And see them picnic on their holiday.
See them gaily dance about.
They love to play and shout.
And never have any cares.
At six o’clock their mommies and daddies
Will take them home to bed
Because they’re tired little teddy bears.

If you go out in the woods today,
You’d better not go alone.
It’s lovely out in the woods today,
But safer to stay at home.

For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic

Every teddy bear, that’s been good
Is sure of a treat today
There’s lots of wonderful things to eat
And wonderful games to play

Beneath the trees, where nobody sees
They’ll hide and seek as long as they please
Today’s the day the teddy bears have their picnic