It’s true, I am shameless. Don’t think you can ever make me feel guilty. I spent too many years wracked with guilt. I was genetically pre-disposed to fell guilty: Mum a Jew, Father a Catholic. Gimme a break, I had to end the cycle sometime. You know what I mean?

So, I am now officially without shame. Actually, I didn’t realize it immediately, only after I had programmed the ring tones in my mobile (cell phone). Very early on, I was fascinated by the funny ring tones. I was also repulsed by the unimaginative choices that people made when programming their ring tones. Not only were they unimaginative, they were LOUD! Geez, I do not want to hear the 1812 Overture at 10 decibels above the threshold of pain. In Europe, where mobiles were de rigueur long before they were in the U.S., the 1812 Overture was big. Have you ever been on a looooong train trip through the Italian Alps were someone has that going off every 10 minutes? Thank Gawd for tunnels and earplugs.

So, when did I become shameless? When I got my little American mobile and realized that not only could I take pics (my Euro mobile is much more straightforward), but I could also program individual ring ‘tunes’ for everyone in my phonebook. At first I just downloaded a couple funny ring tunes to match my moods. But after a while, I decided to assign appropriate tunes to everyone I know.

There is a practical reason for this: my sight is not the greatest and I have a flip phone. Not knowing who it was until I had opened the phone was not an option: too often I ended up talking to relatives. Ah, but what tunes to pick? This is where I ended up on the dark side, though not immediately.

One of my favourite people, whom I’ll almost always pick up for, has big brown eyes; thus, she got “Brown-eyed Girl,” the old Van Morrison tune. This also assures that my mood will be cheery when I do take the call. A good friend, who tends to veer toward the dour got the theme song from, “I Love Lucy.” Yeah, it was perverse, but if I were going to pick up at least I’d be laughing. Those were fairly restrained choices.

However, there is another person for whom I have to (figuratively, of course) gird my loins before speaking. So, her tune is the Looney Tunes theme, “When the merry-go-round broke down.” That puts me in my happy place before I ever pick up. And so it goes through my phone book.

My most perverse though is reserved for a hefty-bagger par excellence. I know that I will get at least 20 minutes of passive/aggressive B.S. if I pick up. This person’s calls I will answer only if I’m in the mood, which isn’t often. I did stew over this choice for quite a while. I perused the lists for a few months until I found the absolute personification of my feelings: the theme from “Psycho.” That was sheer genius on my part.

Now, all I have to do is make sure that they aren’t near me when they call my mobile. That shouldn’t be hard. Of course the best laid plans . . .